Cameron, Bruce W.
Updated: October 31, 2011 10:58AM
Welcome to another edition of Bruce the Answer Man! Today’s topic: Human relationships, are they possible? Let’s go with the first caller.
Caller: Hello, Answer Man, longtime listener, first-time caller. Oh, and due to the sensitive nature of my topic, I want to remain anonymous.
Answer Man: Tom?
Answer Man: You’re my next-door neighbor, Tom.
Caller: Wow, you are the Answer Man.
Answer Man: Plus, I have caller ID. So, by “sensitive nature,” I suppose you mean that thing about you how cry at wedding shows?
Caller: Uh, no, that was something I wanted to keep secret. I only told you that because you admitted you really don’t like basketball, and I didn’t want you to feel unmanly.
Answer Man: Ha-ha, of course I like basketball, now you’re making stuff up, you silly bridesmaid, you.
Caller: This is actually about what to get my wife, Emily, for her birthday.
Answer Man: So, what’s the question?
Caller: What do I get my wife, Emily, for her birthday?
Answer Man: When’s her birthday?
Caller: Last week.
Answer Man: Hmmmm ...
Caller: I told her it was late because I was getting her something really special, even more special than last year’s gift.
Answer Man: Which was?
Caller: A sweatshirt with the name of her bank on it.
Answer Man: And you said you’d get her something more special than that?
Caller: I know, it’s her favorite bank.
Answer Man: I was being sarcastic. Was this the same week last year that you had to sleep on the couch?
Caller: Yeah, but I figured that was just a coincidence.
Answer Man: So this year she’s expecting something really, really nice. Like, a new bass rod.
Caller: But she doesn’t like to fish.
Answer Man: I know, but if you had a new bass rod, I could borrow it when we go out in your boat.
Caller: I’m really hoping not to sleep on the couch this year.
Answer Man: So sleep on the boat.
Caller: Any other great ideas? And not a fly rod, either.
Answer Man: Now you’re insulting me. I wasn’t going to say fly rod, I already own a fly rod.
Answer Man: Well, what are some of her likes and dislikes.
Caller: I know she doesn’t like you.
Answer Man: That’s helpful.
Caller: She also doesn’t seem to care much for bank logo sweatshirts, though I don’t know why.
Answer Man: Because a sweatshirt is such a high-end clothing purchase, women can be very particular about them.
Caller: OK, but this one was free, so what you just said doesn’t apply.
Answer Man: Buying clothing for a woman can be really difficult. If you buy something too large, they think you’re saying they’re fat. If you buy it too small, they put it on and feel fat.
Caller: So what do I do?
Answer Man: I’m afraid I’m back to the bass rod.
Caller: What about if I took her on a nice trip?
Answer Man: Like to a fishing tournament?
Caller: You’re right, I already did that for our anniversary.
Answer Man: You must be getting tired of that couch.
Caller: You have no idea.
Answer Man: What if you invited your next-door neighbor over for some of your world famous barbecue ribs? What woman wouldn’t want a festive party with a favorite friend?
Caller: She’s doing a vegetarian diet this summer.
Answer Man: So it will be a surprise party. What time should I be there?
Caller: Maybe if we could come up with something that you wouldn’t like — if you don’t like it, chances are she will.
Answer Man: Hey, I wouldn’t want a stupid bank giveaway sweatshirt.
Caller: You’re just jealous I locked in a 0.01 percent rate on a CD for two years.
Answer Man: What about a diamond tennis bracelet?
Caller: Emily doesn’t play tennis.
Answer Man: Women don’t wear tennis bracelets to play tennis, they wear them to show they can afford to waste money.
Caller: I guess I could buy jewelry. I’d have to cash in the CD, though, and I’d hate to lose that rate.
Answer Man: Plus they’d probably make you give back the sweatshirt.