Cameron, Bruce W.
Updated: January 23, 2012 3:24AM
A nnouncer: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to today’s wrestling match between Tucker, a mixed-breed dog age 10 months and weighing 22 pounds who must take a pill, and Bruce, an aging guy of Scottish extraction at 160 pounds.
Commentator: That can’t be right. He’s heavier than that.
Announcer: Well, that’s what it says on his driver’s license.
Commentator: He’s a real oinker. A pork platter.
Announcer: And Tucker is doing some bows and stretches, getting ready for today’s match.
Commentator: Pretty small to be competing with such a sumo.
Announcer: And there’s the bell! Bruce is moving in with his right hand extended ...
Commentator: He’s got a treat!
Announcer: Yes, he’s hiding the pill in a treat, and he’s calling for Tucker to take it, and it looks like ... it looks like ... he took it!
Commentator: This one’s over before it started!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, just 10 seconds into the match, it looks as if the champ has put down the challenge from the scruffy upstart!
Commentator: Wait! What’s that?
Announcer: He spit it out! Round one is over, and Tucker has swallowed the food but not the medication. Let’s get over to the champ’s corner. Bruce, what happened?
Bruce: I really thought he’d go for the treat, but he somehow sensed the pill was in there and spat it out at the last second.
Commentator: Champ, care to comment on the rumor that you’re much heavier than your stated weight?
Bruce: What? No, that’s wrong.
Commentator: Whatever you say, fat boy.
Announcer: There’s the bell! Bruce has another treat, but it doesn’t look like Tucker is going to go for it. A move left, a move right, Tucker’s on the couch, he’s across the floor, he’s trapped in the corner ... and Bruce has him and is forcing the pill and the treat into his mouth! This is exciting, folks. Bruce is stroking his throat, holding Tucker’s mouth shut ... and at the bell ... at the bell...
Commentator: It’s out!
Announcer: Tucker spat the food right in Bruce’s face! Champ, what can you tell us?
Bruce: I thought the combination of the food and the pill with my holding the mouth shut and stroking his throat would get his instincts going. Now I’ve got dog food all over my face.
Commentator: I’m surprised you didn’t eat it, Heavy One.
Announcer: Can you give us a hint what you’re going to try next?
Bruce: I’ve crushed the pill and wrapped the powder in a bacon-and-cheese treat.
Commentator: Bacon and cheese — that explains the spare tire around your middle.
Announcer: The vet has said Tucker must take this pill. What are you going to do if he won’t?
Bruce: Defeat is not an option.
Commentator: Neither is dieting, apparently.
Announcer: OK, folks, here we are for the third and final round. Bruce has the treat.
Commentator: He’s got Tucker mesmerized, waving that food around.
Announcer: Poor little fellow is just intellectually outmatched. Bruce is moving closer. Tucker’s eyes are on the treat. This one looks like it’s over. Wait! The dog is on the move!
Commentator: Lard Boy is trying to catch him!
Announcer: They’re running, and there goes a kitchen chair!
Commentator: Chairs are flying, and the dog is leaping over the coffee table where the cheese and bacon was prepared, and this little guy has outsmarted the fat champ! The dog has snatched cheese and bacon on the fly!
Announcer: The champ is yelling for the dog to drop the cheese and bacon from the coffee table, but here’s the thing: He’s trying to feed the dog cheese and bacon! What’s the difference?
Commentator: The dog is not only skinnier than the champ; he’s smarter. Plus, better looking.
Announcer: The champ lunges ... Whoa! Just missed, knocking into a bookshelf and toppling some books! The dog’s running, the champ is chasing ... and there’s the bell! We have a new world champion!
Commentator: Naturally, the heavy, out-of-shape champ is breathless, his huge gut heaving.
Announcer: Bruce, what happened out there?
Bruce: I shouldn’t have left the treats out where he could get them. Tactical error.
Announcer: What now, champ?
Bruce: Well, here’s the thing: He still needs to take this pill.