Vote for me!
August 26, 2011 5:06PM
Cameron, Bruce W.
Updated: January 23, 2012 3:38AM
I am pleased to announce my candidacy for president of the United States of America and will now open the floor for questions.
Q: What are your qualifications for president?
A: Well, first, I have to say I resent this sort of “gotcha” question that immediately puts me on the spot. Why not ask me the surface temperature of Mars, or whether I can find Canada on a map? It is an insult to my intelligence, and I refuse to dignify it with an answer. I didn’t come here to talk about anything from my past, I came to talk about the future of America, which, in my opinion, should be “good.” If you believe America should have a good future, vote for me. And if you don’t, I’d still like you to vote for me.
Q: Why are you running for president?
A: Well, first of all, I think it would be fun to be up there with the current president and the other candidates during the debates, and hopefully they would let me take my picture with them and maybe autograph some stuff that I could later sell on eBay. Second, it would be great to have Secret Service protection, because then I’d have a free driver. Also, I think Joe Biden is hilarious and would love to hang out with him and listen to him say stuff. I’m sure now that I’m a candidate he’ll have a beer with me because he hangs out with everybody, he’s not fussy.
Q: What would you do if you were elected president?
A: The White House has a kitchen open 24 hours just for the president, so I’d probably ring up a ham sandwich, probably also some ice cream. I don’t know what the rules are for beer. I would love to play football on the White House front lawn like the Kennedeys did, though it would have to be touch football because my sister plays too rough when it’s tackle. Oh, and I’d find out if the gardener picks up after the president’s dog, or if I’ll still have to do it. You have to stay on that or it’s not good for the yard, plus it can really ruin your football games.
Q: What would you do to address the nation’s problems?
A: It seems to me that one of our more serious problems is that people can’t agree on a lot of the very important issues facing this nation. I, however, am the sort of flexible thinker who can not only see both sides of every issue, but agree with them, as well. And for those who always say “don’t know” when asked questions like, “Should we blow everything up?” I have to say, I am the candidate for you.
Q: What campaign promises have you made?
A: I solemnly promise to each and every American that if you vote for me, I will invite you up to Camp David. Now, you’ll have to purchase a box lunch — I can’t afford to feed everybody — but we’ll have a good variety, not like on the airlines, where you get cookies and chips in a tube, and they pretend it’s a meal. You and your family can go on the rides for free, pet the animals, all that stuff. I’ll set up a booth where I’ll sell presidential pardons (buy three or more and get a 10 percent discount). Also, we’ll do a daily “guess the go codes” contest, where people try to figure out the launch commands for our nuclear arsenal. (Hint: it’s not “1-2-3 go!” I know — I’m surprised, too.) The winner of the contest will get some sort of valuable prize — from what I understand, they have a whole closet full of stuff that Nixon grabbed from China when the commies weren’t looking.
Q: Care to directly address the American people?
A: Hi, American people, it’s me, Bruce. If I’m elected president, I will raise other people’s taxes and reduce yours. I will not cut any programs that you like, just the programs that other people like. I won’t regulate anything that affects your business, just other people’s businesses. I will keep all my promises.
And that’s a promise.