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Carrol Vertrees: Is Pat Robertson an evangelist or a comedian?

Carrol Vertrees

Carrol Vertrees

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Updated: July 17, 2013 6:22AM



He may bring down an army of garter snakes to my condo yard, or a truckload of broccoli to the front door, but it is a risk I must take.

The “he” I refer to is this fellow Pat Robertson, who for all I know is a mere mortal. But I am not sure and I yearneth to know: Is he an evangelist or a comedian, or a mixture? Does he really have a static-free line to the source of heavenly power?

I don’t tune in to his television gig, lest I be reminded of how little I understand about the meaning of life.

I wonder, in my naïve approach to profundity, if his opinion on marriage comes from God or a script writer.

A news story cites this Robertson gem in a reply to a woman who wondered what she could do about her cheating husband: “Married men have a tendency to wander.” That’s news?

Maybe men are still sore about the rib incident back there in the biblical beginning. Or maybe it is a genetic thing that comes in the male gender package. Maybe Pat knows.

But if he knows, why don’t I, a sinless non-wanderer from the farm, know it too?

This worried woman writes: “I just can’t seem to forgive, nor can I trust. How do you trust again?”

And Pat said: “Stop thinking about the cheating. He cheated on you. Well, he’s a man.”

And then he asks these deep questions: “Does he provide a home for you to live in? Does he provide food for you to eat? Is he nice to the children? Is he handsome?”

My eyes got wet when I read this from Pat: “What you want to do is to make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.”

Earlier, the story said, Pat told viewers that “awful-looking women” can cause marriages to lose their spark. Wives should fix themselves up to “look pretty.”

It sounds so profoundly simple. But where does a flustered wife go for a second opinion? Somewhere on high? How high?

I think that this fellow should decide if his calling is comedy or theology, because he may be causing a lot of marital confusion.

Apparently, Pat implies, wives should cook the meals, mop the floors, feed the chickens, spank the kids and above all “look pretty.”

I don’t even speculate on where Pat got this advice for an unhappy husband a few years back: He told the guy that he could always “just become a Muslim and you could beat her.”

He suggests that husbands may turn to porn on the Internet or read “salacious” magazines because their wives don’t make the home wonderful enough. That is a great comedy line, but is anyone laughing?

I like to watch the sun come up just east of Valparaiso — it has been doing that for years, even before Pat came along. I was out on my porch the morning after reading Pat’s marriage advisory, hoping that I would see a big wispy message in the sky, like: “Tsk. Tsk. Pat.”

No luck, but I reckon that would have come on a private line. From behind a private cloud, maybe.



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