Carrol Vertrees: Newspaper shorts columnist’s name by a letter

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Carrol Vertrees

Updated: November 24, 2011 8:07AM

It could be worse. I could be a boy named Sue, the kid made famous in a song by Johnny Cash.

But even his name created only a gender problem — nobody had a problem spelling Sue.

The fellow who ruled in Burma years ago was named U Nu. Wonderful. His first name probably was never spelled wrong in the papers. The last name wasn’t hard, either. I’ll bet that the sports writers got it right when they reported the bowling league scores from the Burma lanes.

I lost my ego years ago when a reader called me a pseudo intellectual. I did not understand either word and was afraid to ask, but he did spell my first name right. I liked that.

I am afraid to look for my handsome face in the paper today. The face is always the same, but sometimes the name isn’t, like last Sunday when I was called “Carol.”

I am not a new person down there at the paper. I don’t know if anyone at the paper was even born when I started, back in 1951. The faces have changed, but my name has not been changed, voluntarily, I mean.

I remember a politician who said he didn’t care what “You guys write about me, just spell my name right.” That was a fair request.

I got a fan letter from a lady who spelled my name right, but called me Ms. That surprised me because my full length picture in its masculine glory was right there beside the column she talked about. I wonder about her. And me.

This name confusion isn’t peculiar to me, but I bring it up because a name is one of our prized possessions — it does not deserve to be mangled.

Both of my names have caused some funny errors. A fellow called some years back and kept calling me Glen. Later I realized he was thinking of Glen Vantrease, a former Gary official. I didn’t know what to say — one of the few times I was at a loss for words.

That fellow called U Nu had an easy name, but I have wondered if U is only a masculine appendage, or a one-letter-fits-all custom.

My first name causes problems not only in the spelling, but in the gender thing. A coed from my little college campus wrote to welcome me, saying that she was to be my “Big Sister,” a nice, friendly custom at the campus. It did not work, of course. We laughed about that one. It had sounded promising.

Others have problems with misspelled names, or mis-gendered conclusions. Maybe we should form a club. What would we call it?

My first name can be spelled at least five ways and I have seen them all. It sounded perfectly simple and innocent when I wrote it the first time.

I think it would be fun, if anybody bothers to mention my departure, to follow the correct spelling with the old cop thing: AKA, as in Also Known As.

I am surprised that nobody has ever called me Shorty, when by any measurement, I could qualify. We had two Shortys back in Elnora — one was a barber and the other was my uncle. Maybe if I had grown into manhood down there, they would have called me Shorty.

I know — this isn’t very profound stuff, but what do you expect from a pseudo intellectual?