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Gorches: Here’s your Super Bowl commercial studs and duds

This undated screenshot provided by Go Daddy shows company's Super Bowl advertisement. (AP Photo/Go Daddy)

This undated screenshot provided by Go Daddy shows the company's Super Bowl advertisement. (AP Photo/Go Daddy)

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Updated: February 4, 2013 11:22PM



It’s an annual tradition for me and I’m a stickler for sticking to tradition — play on words intended. So I spent Monday doing the same thing I’ve done on five previous days after the Super Bowl — watch the DVR version and analyze the overhyped commercials.

And I saw a theme with this year’s most-watched TV event: Sex.

They say sex sells. So does football. So football and sex are an explosive combination that most red-blooded Americans (at least the male persuasion) love.

Many of Sunday’s commercials had a sexual theme, from a wacky explanation on how babies are made, to a geek smooching with a model, to men in their underwear. Even the promo for the CBS comedy “Two Broke Girls” had the co-stars doing a pole dance in sexy outfits to the song “Pour some sugar on me.”

Some people went on Twitter and Facebook to complain about too much sex in the ads that cost more than $3 million for a 30-second spot. So what did those people think of the halftime show? I have no idea what Beyonce was actually singing since it was hard to get past booty, booty, shake, shake, gyrate, shake, bare legs, gyrate, booty, shake, booty, booty.

Keeping to the sex theme, there are studs and duds when it comes to Super Bowl ads — ones that got their money’s worth and others that were a waste of $3 million.

Here’s my annual list of top fives starting with the duds …

5. Toyota — The ad promoting the Rav 4 had a genie granting wishes to a family who bought the new vehicle. The mom wanted to eat as much chocolate as she wanted without repercussions. One of the kids wanted to hear animals talk, while the other wanted to be a princess. The dad was misunderstood twice in wanting to get rid of his “spare tire” and wanting unlimited wishes (genie heard “witches”). I just didn’t like it.

4. Volkswagen — It was about an over-happy coworker talking in an over-emphasized Jamaican accent trying to make everyone else happy. By the end of it, I wanted to punch him.

3. Mercedes Benz CLA — This one had been hyped for a couple weeks, and it wasn’t worth it as a man in a restaurant looked at a billboard going up across the street for the new car, then actor Willem Dafoe shows up playing the devil, and offers a contract for his soul in exchange for the CLA. Then he looked to the billboard and saw the price of $29,000 and said no thanks to Dafoe. That’s still too expensive for me. The interesting part is the words “Sigilla Posvere Magister Diabolus et Daemones” on the contract. It literally means “ Master seal of the Devil and demons.” But that’s not enough to make me like it.

2. Jeep —  Do you see a theme here? I didn’t like many of the auto ads, and it’s not just because I don’t own any of these vehicles. It’s because they didn’t spend their $3 million ad budget wisely. Jeep had a two-minute ad honoring our nation’s troops with Oprah Winfrey as the narrator. I’m as patriotic as the next person and have the ultimate respect for our servicemen here and abroad, but leave the long glorified public service messages out of my Super Bowl.

1. Dodge Ram —  Speaking of way-too-long, way-too-boring ads with a message, my No. 1 dud goes to Dodge for bringing back a 30-year old diatribe from radio legend Paul Harvey in which he says “God made a farmer” five times to tell me how great our country’s farmers are. I like farmers. I like fresh vegetables. Just leave it out of my Super Bowl Sunday. Remember … booty, shake, gyrate, booty, booty.

Dishonorable mentions —  Most of the Anheuser Busch ads, especially the Black Crown ones; Doritos ads that included a goat eating Doritos and dads wearing dresses; Bud Light Stevie Wonder ads.

And now for my five studs …

5. Best Buy —  Former Saturday Night Live star Amy Poehler goes to Best Buy and asks a young male clerk several questions, finishing with “Will this one (tablet) read ’50 Shades of Grey’ to me in a sexy voice?” When he said no, she asked, “Will you?”

4. NFL Network —  Yeah, it’s self-promotion, but seeing Deion Sanders wear a wig and go to the NFL Draft Combine as Leon Sandcastle was quite funny. One of the analysts said, “He looks like an ugly Deion Sanders” after Sandcastle ran a 4.2-40-yard-dash. Sandcastle was picked first in the NFL draft and commissioner Roger Goddell asks him, “Have we met before?”

3. Kia Sorrento —  Hey, it’s a car ad that didn’t stink. It helps that my family has a Kia. But really, the ad about a dad telling his young son how babies were born was funny with multiple double entendres. Dad said babies come from the planet Babylandia where they all get on rockets that “shoot off deep into space and penetrate the atmosphere” and disperse all over the place until nine month later they land with their parents.

2. Go Daddy —  Sorry, but even though my wife didn’t like this year’s risqué contribution from Danica Patrick’s racecar sponsor, my 18-year-old son did, and that’s the key demographic. Danica introduces the sexy side of Go Daddy, model Bar Refaeli, and the smart side, a nerd named Walter. Then they passionately kiss with some very vivid sounds effects of the smooching.

Some found it disturbing, but the teenager and nerd in me found it hilarious. You should watch the extended uncut version on the Web.

1. Wonderful Pistachios —  Who doesn’t like to eat pistachios? Who doesn’t like Psy and his Oppan Gangnam Style? Put them together and you have an ad that makes you dance and laugh a little, too. What? You didn’t laugh? So you didn’t catch Psy’s lyric, “Hey, crack your nuts now!” That’s funny and painful.

Honorable mentions —  David Letterman promo in which he tells Andrew Luck he could one day play in the Super Bowl; M&Ms with Meat Loaf song “I would do anything for love” and women licking the M&M; Samsung “Next big thing” ad with Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and LeBron James; Tide’s Montana stain ad in which a 49ers fan’s wife washes his jersey and says, “Go Ravens.”

Special honorable mention goes to the Budweiser Clydesdale reunion commercial. It was definitely heartfelt and brought a smile to my face. But to make my top five, the ad needs to make me laugh. Heartfelt ads belong in the Academy Awards.



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